I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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