Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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