When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
