If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
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