He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
