Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
There are leaves in my underwear?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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