I haven't been this sober since birth.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
