WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
