i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
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