my room smells like sperm. sweet.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
