no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I AM VODKA MAN
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Randomize
