I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Randomize
