There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
