just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Why can't burritos get me drunk
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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