Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
