Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
