EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Randomize
