so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
