when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
