One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
