Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
