So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
