this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
In America we eat man semen.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
