I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
