And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
