got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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