Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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