when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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