Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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