Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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