Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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