It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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