how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
