Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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