I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
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