please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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