There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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