guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Randomize