so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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