Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
There's even glitter on my cock...
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize