haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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