I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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