I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I am in a vortex of obligation.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
