from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
