umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
