I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize
