i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
