I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
