Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
