The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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