Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
