i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
