you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
