Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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