there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
