So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He shit in the fireplace
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
