Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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