I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
